Honestly... it's an identity crisis. I read somewhere once that every athlete dies twice. It was shortly after my softball career came to an end and as I read it I remember thinking to myself how true those words were, how powerful, how spot on, because if you were blessed with the opportunity to not only play a sport, but to have it fill your soul, light a passion inside of you, and teach you some of life's most important lessons, you surely know that it's true... every athlete does die twice. I'm pretty sure that if you looked at my heart you'd find red stitches in the shape of C lining the sides of it. I'm also pretty sure that you'd find crack or a break, like you hit the crap out of a softball and the outer shell began to rip off. Like that, but not as cool. It's been almost two and a half years since the day my favorite thing in the world, a beautiful bright yellow, red-stitched ball, turned on me and soared over my head, over the fence and ended it all. This may sound dramatic to some, but those who know me and for so many athletes out there, you know it's real. Two and a half years and I'm still struggling to figure out who I am, a feat I certainly had NO problem with when I could identify myself as an athlete, a softball player, a centerfielder. WHY am I struggling? When that grand slam flew over the fence, it grabbed my confidence and took it with it. Never in my life have I been more infiltrated with the feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, leaving me to question who I am and what I'm doing. All my life, well from ages 5 to 22, I prided myself on being a softball player, and a good one at that. On the first day of class when a teacher would ask us to describe ourselves or anytime I was introducing myself to someone new, it was always, "I'm Karleigh and I play softball." It was always the thing I wanted people to know about me, above all else, the identity I wanted people to pair me with. It's who I was, always wanted to be, and hopefully still am somewhere inside me. It's a void left to be filled. I do have the best husband, family and friends a girl could ask for, but the void left is not something fixed with personal relationships, it's something I have to find in myself, something that I do for me, something that I can pour my heart and soul into, the way I did with the game I loved so much. In my heart, I'll always identify myself as a softball player, but now, I need to find an identity where I can go up to someone new and CONFIDENTLY, HAPPILY, and PASSIONATELY say, "I'm Karleigh and I'm a..." Lately though I've been thinking a lot about it, and perhaps it's not necessarily the loss of softball itself that's causing me this asinine identity crisis. I mean yes, I'd obviously give just about anything for one more at bat, to stare the pitcher down and know that I'm going to hit the ball hard somewhere (preferably a triple down the right field line) or to breathe in the fresh air out in centerfield, anticipating where the ball will go and make a diving grab. Even though I wish I could do all of this again, every day, I know that's it's all still inside me and the memories will last a lifetime. So what's causing this identity crisis is instead? The loss of the intangibles the game gave me: my confidence, my passion, my security and a feeling of "being home". I will never forget when, on one of my college visits, my dad told the coach, "No matter what, Karleigh's most at-home on a ball diamond." There were no truer words, it was my identity. Softball was the one thing I could get behind 100 percent (well Softball and Christmas that is). It was the one thing I could pour my passion into, my work ethic, my love for life, everything I had and now... I don't have something like that. Throughout college I imagined I'd find something similar with work. I dreamed of a career that I could get behind in the way that I could with playing softball, that I'd have a job I could dedicate myself to 24/7 and pour my heart and soul into the same way. Well guess what, the working world's just not that fun. It's not like playing a sport at all... misjudged that one. Since I graduated college, I've quit 3 jobs, none of which were jobs in the field of my college major. I tried to force myself into loving Event Planning because I thought it could be my next passion, well... I was wrong. Three strikes and you're out, right? So here I am, working part-time for Sweet Dreamzzz, a nonprofit dear to my heart, and part-time from home as a Freelance Journalist and Blogger. I think I'm getting there. I love to write, always have, and I'm starting to think this is something I can get behind. So maybe, if this blog takes off, if I write a best-selling novel, or if I become the next Arianna Huffington, I'll be able to look someone new in the eye and confidently say, "Hi, I'm Karleigh and I'm a Writer." Until I solve my life's identity crisis, I'll continue to make the most of my time and enjoy every moment, because even though I'm struggling to know who I am I can tell you this, my life is beautiful. Thanks for reading, Karleigh Michele Photography by: Melanie Elaine Photography Hair and Makeup by: Megan Simmons
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Karleigh MicheleIt's me... Authentic, Real, and Honest. Because I believe that's the only way to write it. Archives
November 2018
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